Every once in awhile I get really, really, really homesick. When I first moved here I decided I wouldn't be homesick because it is counter productive to me if want to make a life here. Which I do. But sometimes I feel homesickness with such intensity that I become depressed for days. Right now is one of those times (the last one was in June).
I've been missing Texas a lot lately. Everything about it. As of December it'll be a year since I've been back to Texas. I'm excited about visiting the States in one week (!!!) but New York is not the same. Still good, but not Texas.
I miss the friendliness of Texas, grocery stores with so much choice, country music, Texas music, warm weather evenings, amazing sunsets, the easiness of English, outrageous Texan pride, the easiness of the life I'd always had until recently, English speaking church, my family, my friends, Tex Mex food, frozen margaritas, feeling like I actually know what's going on, driving my car, and so much more.
I'm getting tired of Sweden right now. The grey skies are back, the cold is back, the rain is back. I am tired of not knowing how the systems here work, of public transportation and being crammed like sardines on a bus, missing my family, of constantly feeling on the "fringe", of the lack of choice and originality. I am tired, so tired, of Swedish- reading Swedish, writing Swedish, listening to Swedish, and struggling to speak Swedish. And feeling bad when people speak English for my benefit.
Lately I've had a few downs here and I'm thinking more and more about what if we were to move back to the States sooner than we've already planned. But as familiar as the States is to me, I will still feel like an outsider when I go back. It's inevitable after spending almost two years in another country.
So I guess all around I feel a bit lost. Between two countries: one is my home but becoming stranger and stranger to me and the other is so strange but could maybe be home.
I keep trying to shake myself out of this funk but I can't right now. Maybe New York will help.
Any suggestions?
Hi Ericka.
ReplyDeleteRight now I can relate to some extent. Ladaea's always working, I don't have nearly as much to do during the days as she does, which is not only totally emasculating (that she's the bread winner) but also a total sense of rootlessness from being at a place you can't call home, and having a home where you don't feel quite at home. Although we don't have the Swedish winter here, and I do know a little bit about them, other things can create disturbance when you're not rooted.
However, That's a part of the deal when we engage in a relationship with a person from another continent, I guess. The sacrifices that ones felt so romantic are becoming realities that seem so long. I am convinced that every obstacle will become a great story to tell in the future.
There are no coincidences, and only the strongest people are put to hardest tests.
You'll come out alive on the other side. And make Gillis promise you to move to Texas with you and never look back. If you do, just visit an IKEA.
//Adam
Hey Adam,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment.
It was really, really, really great to read and to remember that there are so many others going through the same things.
Thank you.
I hope you start to get your feet on the ground in Hong Kong, I couldn't even imagine moving there.
Give my best to Ladaea!
-Ericka